a sunday stroll on tuesday.

i've given all that i can,
yet i'm still sinking.
i wanna lose myself in your love.

it's a bit of a whirlwind of emotion here,
but alas, life goes on. there is sheer chaos in the souls of those who have called Gettysburg home and have committed themselves to following Jesus in these days. it seems a little crazy, it all seems uncertain, it all seems so confusing and so unpeaceful. life seems to have decided to cover over our head as we slept one night leaving us struggling to rise above. but somehow i have an internal excitement that is overwhelming and beautiful. all my choices these days don't feel as bad and scary as before, for i have no longer allowed satan to set my path where to go. i feel like maybe i have been given the chance to walk this one out a little more lonely this stroll around the park. maybe without the distraction of conversation with anyone other than my creator, it's allowing me to stop and see the beauty in everything.
"cause i am, captivated by you
just so you know that, i am captivated"
see this lap around the park i am seeing everything differently. like have you ever noticed the way he allows life to come together in all the smallest of ways, like had not one person left, one other would not be. had not one dream been created, the vision of many would never have come to be. had not one person been asked, others wouldnt have been able to learn to share. it's all so beautiful when you stop to think and let it all work itself out on its own.
here i sit, alone in a room with nothing but my computer and some half eaten toast, and i have never been more satisfied. never has my life been evermore beautiful here in the silence and soothing of the Holy Spirit to my hurting, scared soul. i always seemed to look around the corner, looking for the next aspect of my love with my Maker. wandering, asking, searching for what it's supposed to look like. and now, i found it all on my own, in a place i would normally lose my peace, lose my joy, lose any sense of excitement.
how grateful i am for a simple sunday stroll on tuesday.

chin up, sweetheart.

call it annoying,
i call it lovely.
call it hard to work with,
i call it worth the time.
call it insecure,
i call it learning.
call it needy,
i call it longing to know.
call it difficult,
i call it something to work for.
shake your head,
i find it beautiful.

sometimes i just feel beat down, not enough, less than desired. almost as if i have nothing give, nothing but a tired smile and a old news kind of personality. but im not. this is not who i am and is less than i deserve.

chin up, sweetheart. in you i love perfectly, in you i find all i could desire. wait patiently, you will know. you are like a flower in a field of many, yet i have chosen you as my prize. and you alone i find pleasing. there will never be another i love as i love you, never be another i take joy in as i find pleasure in you. altogether pleasing are you, no more, no less, just you.

continually captivated.

did you ever think about the fact that we dream and wish for our deepest dreams and greatest desires and we are constantly disappointed, like it just never seems to happen. i was talking with someone the other day, about the fact that i've come to terms with the fact that unlike the movies say, no man that will love me, will ever be obsessed with me or captivated with me to the point that he will never be able to take his eyes off me at any given moment. that he will lay awake most nights, unable to sleep thinking he is not by my side. that i alone steal his heart to make him want the company of no other, like all our movies and books teach us. i finally have realized that. and then i was listening to a song called "hazy" by rosi golan and there is a part where a man is singing to her about watching her sleep and in an instant i thought back, as almost having watched myself from above as i slept, i thought of Jesus watching me.
see i often forget my first love, and how this love, although not tangiable, is in love with me the way i have dreamnt of my whole entire life. its beautiful. that when i come to him with thoughts and dreams, He wont brush me off as talking too much, when i ride with the windows down and the warm sun rays dance across my skin, He finds me more radiant than even the sun light surrounding me. when i look up swinging in the breeze of a beautiful spring, He then is enchanted, delighted, struck with desire to know me, be near me, touch my skin, feel my breath, hear my simple whisper of song, smell the scent of my lightly curled hair as it whisps back and forth against my lightly freckled skin.
how could i have ever forgot that there was one who saw the littlest tinest details about me and was continually captivated. how could i have accidently missed that as i look myself in the mirror, finding every microscopic flaw, he is there, arms wraped tightly, breathing me in, whispering out the scent with a timeless love, a sweet nothing for me to remember for always, knowing He could never find another as beautiful, as flawless, as lovely as me. that when i twirl, with a wish for a glance, he is there clapping as i spin, catching me as i fall into a dizzy disarray of colors and beauty. he finds me his classic beauty, his one and only, his princess who needs rescuing only by him. its beautiful

"but if i fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me
but if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
because without you things go hazy."

i am in love, a glorious golden love.
without the one i love, who is taken by me, the life i lead is a little less clear,
"because without you things go hazy"

you are my sunshine.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
you make me happy,
when skies are gray.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you.
so please dont take,
my sunshine
away.



you sing over me, you laugh over me, you love me.
you are proud and are joyful with me.
for i am beautiful to you, and i am found by you.
i am in love with a man who is my light.
i am in love with a man, who is my God.
He created me to be his, and allows me to learn love.
i am in love.
i am in love.
love am i.
in love i am.
love am i in.
love.
bright, golden, breezy love.
where the sun is its light,
the moon is its compliment
and the stars its whispered compliments.
you have shown me love
as i guard my heart from anything other than you.
i am your sunshine and you are my light.
i am in love.

you.

how i am grateful
what a life you have chosen for me
a new path i am granted permission too
a brand new way
a new light
a brilliant love
You.
whispers of love on the day to day
when i have done nothing,
nothing at all to offer.
why?
because you have found me enough
pleasing
beautiful
courageous
lovely.
so i'll try
try my very hardest to find
a gift worth giving to you
empty hands
a joyful spirit
a want to try.
for you alone take joy within me
you alone are pleased with me
in my good and bad
and its beautiful.
i alone am unworthy
but walk each day to hope to take this gift
and hold it as mine.
i am captivated with you
my Lover.
you've become my obsession.
it seems i can not get enough
nothing to fill this cup
i am hungry
yearning
desiring
you.

a person is a person, no matter how small

so i have to laugh at this, just a little. who would have ever thought a children's movie could provoke such a deep thought, especially the ones of the body of Christ.
there are so many incredible lessons to be learned from this little cartoon movie. but a big one came from another inspiration. i was reading what evan had prayed about abortion in his most recent blog and i found myself remembering a few words i had spoken just sunday while knelt at the altar in prayer over Obama's new law. and i remember thinking, "God i know im just one small voice, one small person, who in basically no way, has anything to offer other than prayers to this situation." i felt so small, so tiny, so obsolete, like there was NOTHING i could do.
then i had family night, last night, with my wonderful Alexander's and something quite amazing happened. we watched Horton Hears Whoo, and from that silly children's movie i got my answer. there is a part in the end where Horton's caged up and they are going to throw the flower with the speck on it into the boiling beeswax or whatever Dr Suess named that stuff. and all the Whoo's are doomed because they can't be heard. so they all begin to work together to make noise and bang pots, and toot tooters, and clang clangers, you know all that wonderful Dr Suess stuff, but still it's not enough, until the Mayor finds his son JoJo to be the only one who hasnt spoken a word. he has created a masterpiece of musical kinds to aid in the noise, but alas, it's his spoken word that saves the speck called Whooville. a tiny speck was able to join together and save themselves.
a lot of times i feel as though i am a tiny speck, who's voice seldom gets heard in this fast paced society, even who's voice is lost within the gathering of close friends, that we have trained one another to have to yell louder than the next because youre idea is not good enough to be heard uninterrupted. that only once you are in a seat of power is your voice worth something to this life. but God allows us to be the "JoJo" of His love, that our voice alone sticks out to Him, above anyone else's as a cry to the throne, and from that single cry, the cries of our brothers and sisters are gathered together to cry for the same cause, how much more will God hear this.
i know this is just a blunder and jumble of words and crazy thoughts that at any given moment hardly seem to make sense. but it shows if anything that my God loved me enough to let me know through a movie about a talking elephant and a town small enough to fit on a speck, that i am one voice big enough and important enough to be heard.

choose only to change...

so i came to a beautifully, humbling thought. it is simply this.
the only one you can change is yourself.
how many times do i walk about hurt or pained by the words of another, the way of another and yet within myself, i have forgotten to check. somehow i have become obsessed with letting myself look far too deep into the meaning of the ones i love, searching to find the simple reason why they would leave me, replace me.
it becomes an art form. i have become a master painter in setting the tone, choosing the hue, setting the hidden meaning to how they will hurt me, for i am worth no more.
how selfish, how unappealing, how lonely.
what a tired life, how the posture of my life is beginning to hurt me, to break the bones that hold me together and i realized, i finally see from this broken posture, calling my eyes to never rise to meet the eyes of a love.
see the fear of being replaced is so utterly intense within the very depths of my beginning, i have forgotten that it is me that needs the change, not the ones i love.
who could ever love me back, who could ever find me pleasing.
but the answer is simply this... God. God alone will forever find me pleasing and breathtaking in such a manner no one could uphold. which brings me to my next greatest bit of knowledge... i can only change myself. we look to another and find things we are displeased in when it is in fact our own humanity that has allowed us to live a life in spiritual poverty. too long i have allowed myself to live a life where i have been run by lies. starting first to conquer the outward lies but now to relieve the lies within, the soul altering lies. these are the ones that say to you that the words of love are setting you up for abandonment. when in fact this is MY time to rise up and decide that i will, in fact, CHOOSE to change the way that makes me feel and for me to choose it as love.
this is a load of ramble but in fact it has been very healing to my soul. i have been most recently, making a list of all the things those i love do where i feel hurt and deciding instead to change myself. it's funny how the Holy Spirit drops little tid bits in.
bare with my my loves... im trying desperately to grab hold of such truths and hold them firm to my heart. this is, in fact, one of the hardest lessons i have ever learned.
i love you, therefore i am learning to love myself so as to love you greater.
forever and forever.