choose only to change...

so i came to a beautifully, humbling thought. it is simply this.
the only one you can change is yourself.
how many times do i walk about hurt or pained by the words of another, the way of another and yet within myself, i have forgotten to check. somehow i have become obsessed with letting myself look far too deep into the meaning of the ones i love, searching to find the simple reason why they would leave me, replace me.
it becomes an art form. i have become a master painter in setting the tone, choosing the hue, setting the hidden meaning to how they will hurt me, for i am worth no more.
how selfish, how unappealing, how lonely.
what a tired life, how the posture of my life is beginning to hurt me, to break the bones that hold me together and i realized, i finally see from this broken posture, calling my eyes to never rise to meet the eyes of a love.
see the fear of being replaced is so utterly intense within the very depths of my beginning, i have forgotten that it is me that needs the change, not the ones i love.
who could ever love me back, who could ever find me pleasing.
but the answer is simply this... God. God alone will forever find me pleasing and breathtaking in such a manner no one could uphold. which brings me to my next greatest bit of knowledge... i can only change myself. we look to another and find things we are displeased in when it is in fact our own humanity that has allowed us to live a life in spiritual poverty. too long i have allowed myself to live a life where i have been run by lies. starting first to conquer the outward lies but now to relieve the lies within, the soul altering lies. these are the ones that say to you that the words of love are setting you up for abandonment. when in fact this is MY time to rise up and decide that i will, in fact, CHOOSE to change the way that makes me feel and for me to choose it as love.
this is a load of ramble but in fact it has been very healing to my soul. i have been most recently, making a list of all the things those i love do where i feel hurt and deciding instead to change myself. it's funny how the Holy Spirit drops little tid bits in.
bare with my my loves... im trying desperately to grab hold of such truths and hold them firm to my heart. this is, in fact, one of the hardest lessons i have ever learned.
i love you, therefore i am learning to love myself so as to love you greater.
forever and forever.