you.

how i am grateful
what a life you have chosen for me
a new path i am granted permission too
a brand new way
a new light
a brilliant love
You.
whispers of love on the day to day
when i have done nothing,
nothing at all to offer.
why?
because you have found me enough
pleasing
beautiful
courageous
lovely.
so i'll try
try my very hardest to find
a gift worth giving to you
empty hands
a joyful spirit
a want to try.
for you alone take joy within me
you alone are pleased with me
in my good and bad
and its beautiful.
i alone am unworthy
but walk each day to hope to take this gift
and hold it as mine.
i am captivated with you
my Lover.
you've become my obsession.
it seems i can not get enough
nothing to fill this cup
i am hungry
yearning
desiring
you.

a person is a person, no matter how small

so i have to laugh at this, just a little. who would have ever thought a children's movie could provoke such a deep thought, especially the ones of the body of Christ.
there are so many incredible lessons to be learned from this little cartoon movie. but a big one came from another inspiration. i was reading what evan had prayed about abortion in his most recent blog and i found myself remembering a few words i had spoken just sunday while knelt at the altar in prayer over Obama's new law. and i remember thinking, "God i know im just one small voice, one small person, who in basically no way, has anything to offer other than prayers to this situation." i felt so small, so tiny, so obsolete, like there was NOTHING i could do.
then i had family night, last night, with my wonderful Alexander's and something quite amazing happened. we watched Horton Hears Whoo, and from that silly children's movie i got my answer. there is a part in the end where Horton's caged up and they are going to throw the flower with the speck on it into the boiling beeswax or whatever Dr Suess named that stuff. and all the Whoo's are doomed because they can't be heard. so they all begin to work together to make noise and bang pots, and toot tooters, and clang clangers, you know all that wonderful Dr Suess stuff, but still it's not enough, until the Mayor finds his son JoJo to be the only one who hasnt spoken a word. he has created a masterpiece of musical kinds to aid in the noise, but alas, it's his spoken word that saves the speck called Whooville. a tiny speck was able to join together and save themselves.
a lot of times i feel as though i am a tiny speck, who's voice seldom gets heard in this fast paced society, even who's voice is lost within the gathering of close friends, that we have trained one another to have to yell louder than the next because youre idea is not good enough to be heard uninterrupted. that only once you are in a seat of power is your voice worth something to this life. but God allows us to be the "JoJo" of His love, that our voice alone sticks out to Him, above anyone else's as a cry to the throne, and from that single cry, the cries of our brothers and sisters are gathered together to cry for the same cause, how much more will God hear this.
i know this is just a blunder and jumble of words and crazy thoughts that at any given moment hardly seem to make sense. but it shows if anything that my God loved me enough to let me know through a movie about a talking elephant and a town small enough to fit on a speck, that i am one voice big enough and important enough to be heard.

choose only to change...

so i came to a beautifully, humbling thought. it is simply this.
the only one you can change is yourself.
how many times do i walk about hurt or pained by the words of another, the way of another and yet within myself, i have forgotten to check. somehow i have become obsessed with letting myself look far too deep into the meaning of the ones i love, searching to find the simple reason why they would leave me, replace me.
it becomes an art form. i have become a master painter in setting the tone, choosing the hue, setting the hidden meaning to how they will hurt me, for i am worth no more.
how selfish, how unappealing, how lonely.
what a tired life, how the posture of my life is beginning to hurt me, to break the bones that hold me together and i realized, i finally see from this broken posture, calling my eyes to never rise to meet the eyes of a love.
see the fear of being replaced is so utterly intense within the very depths of my beginning, i have forgotten that it is me that needs the change, not the ones i love.
who could ever love me back, who could ever find me pleasing.
but the answer is simply this... God. God alone will forever find me pleasing and breathtaking in such a manner no one could uphold. which brings me to my next greatest bit of knowledge... i can only change myself. we look to another and find things we are displeased in when it is in fact our own humanity that has allowed us to live a life in spiritual poverty. too long i have allowed myself to live a life where i have been run by lies. starting first to conquer the outward lies but now to relieve the lies within, the soul altering lies. these are the ones that say to you that the words of love are setting you up for abandonment. when in fact this is MY time to rise up and decide that i will, in fact, CHOOSE to change the way that makes me feel and for me to choose it as love.
this is a load of ramble but in fact it has been very healing to my soul. i have been most recently, making a list of all the things those i love do where i feel hurt and deciding instead to change myself. it's funny how the Holy Spirit drops little tid bits in.
bare with my my loves... im trying desperately to grab hold of such truths and hold them firm to my heart. this is, in fact, one of the hardest lessons i have ever learned.
i love you, therefore i am learning to love myself so as to love you greater.
forever and forever.

i think it's time i want to dance.

i cant wait for the day where i have found again that i know who i am and where it is i certainly belong. it's one thing to hear it said, but quite another to know it yourself, to believe it in the entirety of your deepest part. i found it once, well, i thought i did. maybe it was a small snippet of what was to come. a simple taste to see what i could know, what i could see everyday if i pursue it. but somewhere, i find the little voice saying, "but i want to be pursued." the truth is, i want to be whisked away on a whim because my beauty is enough. to be lovely just because its a thursday afternoon and to be captivating through a fit of laughter, that as my cheeks turn rosey with embarassment and my teeth automatically bite my lip to hide it so, that even then i am the cutest thing around.
what a feeling that would be, to be, simply to be. to be desired as a beautiful broken spirit willing to spread her wings and fly on the winds of joy. its funny how you realize looking to another, to give this kind of clairty and fulfillment will never do, that it will forever be eternally set for only one lover. and on that lover's beck and call you wait furvently wondering if in fact He heard your knock or saw your twirl. you wonder if in fact He will answer you, and promise with all the love in His eyes, He will never leave you, that such a jewel is far to precious to ever been replaced by another. He'll whisper softly as you dance along in rhytem that He's never met a one like you, that you captivate, you inspire, you are breathtaking, you are His absolute favorite one of you. as He sweeps you gently, gliding along the dance floor as onlookers hold their breath to see that He is focused on you alone, and showers you with eyes that sing of the most beautiful thing that could have ever been designed. yes, that is what i desire, that is what i hope for each morning as i awake and pray the sun will hold tightly against my skin and the breeze will coil gently in my hair, tangling the strands and they dance with delight. to be all beautiful, flawless in every form of the word and to know it within my depths. to be loved by a King who is enthralled with my beauty above any other.
yes, now i think it's time,

i want to dance.

hupptoo here we go.

first time.
this whole "new agey" blog site. how odd. i thought this was for old people.
im quite excited now i do believe.
time for writing.
time for later.